Thursday, May 21, 2009
Going Forward with Faith
This last week has probably been the hardest week for me since coming to Utah. I have had many blessings, as well as many struggles. Some very public, and others pretty personal. I have had many moments where I was not sure that I could keep pushing forward with faith, and I found myself re-questioning pretty much everything in my life.
I cannot recall the last time that I cried so much about so many things. I have tried to do it on my own, which is a mistake. I know that I need to turn to the Lord and those around me more often. It is just so hard sometimes to reach out being in a new place and not surrounded by my friends. And there have been moments where I just tried to reach out to others, and they wanted to fix everything, rather then just listen and let me feel heard by someone. I guess I am just weird like that. I prefer to find my own solutions after talking it out with someone I trust.
I have been experiencing a great deal of frustration due to my divorce being delayed. And that frustration comes from needing to be around and feel close to others, especially since I am used to having someone there, that I don't anymore. And I met someone a few weeks ago, which at first I did not think was going to be a big deal, but that was when my divorce was supposed to be final May 4th. So, now it seems that it would be the wrong thing to open up to this person with the circumstances being what they are. I am not looking to rush into a relationship that is serious, but I would like to find a best friend. Someone that I can be myself with and hang out with, go and do fun things together, and if it grew, then it did. I felt that there was the potential of being best friends with this person, and now I feel that I have to completely stay away from them.
I have another great friend back in Springfield, and I am thankful for him. I do not think that I would be making it through as much as I am if it was not for him. There are many times that I wish he was here, but at the same time, I know that we both are where we need to be.
I have met quite a few people that have been kind to me, and I am thankful for that. There seems to be a lot of people that want to be there, and I realize that what I am feeling is coming from within me. I feel alone even when I am surrounded by a crowd right now.
I have been working hard on getting back in shape and eating more healthy, but I also realize that I have been doing it for the wrong reasons, and I need to make sure that I do it just for me. I had the goal in mind of being good for someone else in the future down the road, but that is not going to motivate me for long, so I need to do it for me.
I have also had struggles with guys that seem to want only one thing, guys that were once my friends and associates, and that has been hard to face as well. I thought so much more of these individuals. I am still their friend, and I hope that they will improve their lives, but I could never be more then a friend to them. My standards are very high, and at times I feel maybe there are too unrealistically high for the world that we live in now. I have a hope that someday, I will find someone that just gets me, and also doesn't see me as the next girl to get into bed. Luckily, this type of situation has been from a distance, and not from anyone around me here in Utah.
With all these things that I am going through, and many that I have not mentioned here, I have decided that I am going to take a break from the things that I usually do, except for writing my articles and this blog, and go through another cleanse. I am going to do a physical and emotional one. This Saturday I will be going to the temple, and I am going to fast to prepare for that. And later that evening, I will start my 3 day cleanse. The last time I did it, it was wonderful. I had an increase in energy, and also my spirituality benefited, and I really need that right now. I need to get balance back in my life, because I do not have it now, that is for sure.
This final clip is from one of my favorite movies, and it is what I hope to have someday in the future.