Sunday, March 29, 2009


This blog entry is going to be different then previous entries as well. As I go through all the emotions and various thoughts that I am facing with all that is going on, I find that writing is very therapeutic.

I want to be able to just write about what I am thinking and feeling whether it is something that I would normally be open with or not. I just need to feel heard right now, and this seems as good a place as any.

One question that I have asked myself is, if I will be able to trust again after I have experienced this shock to my system, or will I always question every guys motives from here on out. I would like to believe that I am still me, and that I will still love as deeply and trust as completely, but I do find myself from time to time questioning people's motives already.

I have had my heart broken in more ways then one the last several weeks. Not just from my ex-husband, but also through a good friend, and it seems that it is something that will continue until I actually find someone that I can trust and will be there 100%. Many of you would say that it is way too soon to be thinking about these things, and you are probably right, but I am human after all. Mu deepest desires and dreams have not changed that much.

At this point, I do not mourn the loss of my marriage. I actually feel a relief right now. I do mourn the loss of friends, opportunities that I felt were robbed from me, and there is a loss of security as well. I am not angry about this anymore, just struggling to face all those challenges some days. I still have not found the right job, where I can still be around as much as possible for my children.

I am hopeful about meeting new friends, and creating an entire new life of my choosing. I just don't know what it looks like yet. I do know, that it would include being married again.

I am so glad that I went to the temple last week. It really put things into perspective for me. I reflected on my Patriarchal Blessing, and the covenants made, and felt the confirmation of the spirit, that there was a man out there that would make and keep those covenants, and as long as I kept living worthily, that the Lord will bring him into my life.

The divorce papers are now signed, and should be filed sometime next week. I feel like this normally should be painful or a hard thing, but instead I feel a burden lifted. The determination I had for my marriage some say was miraculous, and looking back, I am not sure how I did it all. One small step at a time I guess.

The burning question in my mind right now, after finding out I had been lied to for the last 4 years is.... Will I ever know that someone is telling the truth? When someone tells me they love me, will I be able to believe them? Or will I think that they are being honest when in fact they are lying to me? And I tell myself, that will also be solved in time. With each new experience that I have.

Well, my blog is taking on a new chapter to it now. One that I am not sure everyone will want to continue following. I am still trying to be involved in political things, but my heart is not in it like it was. Instead, I am seeking for healing and hope that I will find someone that I can just truly love, that will be faithful. I don't think that is too much to ask for.

My ex does want to try to work things out, if he can work through his issues, but I am just no where near ready to do that. However, he has been in my life for almost 1/2 of it, so I am willing to still be friends. I care about him and his welfare, but I do not see myself ever being his wife again.

My standards are higher now too.... You see, I realize who I am now, after going through the last 12 years. I know myself well enough to know what I need, what I can offer, and I look forward to seeking for that, eternally.


tom said...

you can always count on the support from your network of friends here in Springfield. In such a short time you touched the lives of many, continue to do God's work as you have in the past and let the speed bump of life go under your tires as you move along towards your destiny.

Rebecca said...