This blog entry is going to be different then previous entries as well. As I go through all the emotions and various thoughts that I am facing with all that is going on, I find that writing is very therapeutic.
I want to be able to just write about what I am thinking and feeling whether it is something that I would normally be open with or not. I just need to feel heard right now, and this seems as good a place as any.
One question that I have asked myself is, if I will be able to trust again after I have experienced this shock to my system, or will I always question every guys motives from here on out. I would like to believe that I am still me, and that I will still love as deeply and trust as completely, but I do find myself from time to time questioning people's motives already.
I have had my heart broken in more ways then one the last several weeks. Not just from my ex-husband, but also through a good friend, and it seems that it is something that will continue until I actually find someone that I can trust and will be there 100%. Many of you would say that it is way too soon to be thinking about these things, and you are probably right, but I am human after all. Mu deepest desires and dreams have not changed that much.
At this point, I do not mourn the loss of my marriage. I actually feel a relief right now. I do mourn the loss of friends, opportunities that I felt were robbed from me, and there is a loss of security as well. I am not angry about this anymore, just struggling to face all those challenges some days. I still have not found the right job, where I can still be around as much as possible for my children.
I am hopeful about meeting new friends, and creating an entire new life of my choosing. I just don't know what it looks like yet. I do know, that it would include being married again.
I am so glad that I went to the temple last week. It really put things into perspective for me. I reflected on my Patriarchal Blessing, and the covenants made, and felt the confirmation of the spirit, that there was a man out there that would make and keep those covenants, and as long as I kept living worthily, that the Lord will bring him into my life.
The divorce papers are now signed, and should be filed sometime next week. I feel like this normally should be painful or a hard thing, but instead I feel a burden lifted. The determination I had for my marriage some say was miraculous, and looking back, I am not sure how I did it all. One small step at a time I guess.
The burning question in my mind right now, after finding out I had been lied to for the last 4 years is.... Will I ever know that someone is telling the truth? When someone tells me they love me, will I be able to believe them? Or will I think that they are being honest when in fact they are lying to me? And I tell myself, that will also be solved in time. With each new experience that I have.
Well, my blog is taking on a new chapter to it now. One that I am not sure everyone will want to continue following. I am still trying to be involved in political things, but my heart is not in it like it was. Instead, I am seeking for healing and hope that I will find someone that I can just truly love, that will be faithful. I don't think that is too much to ask for.
My ex does want to try to work things out, if he can work through his issues, but I am just no where near ready to do that. However, he has been in my life for almost 1/2 of it, so I am willing to still be friends. I care about him and his welfare, but I do not see myself ever being his wife again.
My standards are higher now too.... You see, I realize who I am now, after going through the last 12 years. I know myself well enough to know what I need, what I can offer, and I look forward to seeking for that, eternally.